What to do if you are a lover? Why do some enjoy love, while for others it is hellish torment? How to overcome dependence on a loved one? The famous psychoanalyst Natalya Tolstaya has collected answers to the most burning questions in her book.
... We are all half-hearted, and this is at the very least. Our character is divided into smaller quarters, octopuses, and so on, and provides more and more new facets for viewing by our loved ones. Hello geometers looking for the formula of love! But it's not about that. I am not writing for "plush toys", but for the reader - the interlocutor with whom I will share some reflections on the topic of interpersonal relationships.
All my female acquaintances believe that relationships on the side are good because, meeting for a short time, we expose that part of ourselves that our partner fell in love with. Almost like the rules of etiquette that say: "If you want to treat your partner with fruit, then you need to offer him the largest and best part without a stone." But…
Why does he need it?
Scientists have come to the conclusion that a man who is not faithful to his wife gets sick more often and lives less. But the stronger sex, apparently, does not listen to the Aesculapius, and explains their trips to the left with anything. I often have to listen to their explanations at receptions.
- Using the state of being in love, a man overcomes the psychological crisis that has begun. Coming to meet the growing need for change. The novel is a great chance to change the monotony of everyday life, to turn from a family man and dad into a free and windy youth with changed standards and behavior.
- He wants to displace all doubts about his male solvency, he is looking for an opportunity to turn on his entire arsenal of seduction again and be fascinated by himself. The mistress will provide him with an interest in life, and he will love her - his life - again. And he also satisfies the needs - emotional (to be desired) and sexual (to feel delight or to be cured of impotence).
- In the midst of complete well-being and stability in life, he needs to create obstacles and inconveniences for himself, combined with pleasure, and satisfy the need to overcome difficulties. The secret excites him no less than sex.
- A mistress is a great opportunity for time manipulation. Old age is coming, and with a new woman you can return youth. Or you want to pleasantly kill time with youthful awe and ardor. He is inclined to believe that the best events in life are unplanned, so you should not expect that he will warn about his arrival. He is free, and what does he care about your affairs? He thinks about himself, catches up with his youth and revives. What are you doing here? Throw the unwashed dishes and jump on the bed of love (otherwise he will change his mind)!
- He is driven by a desire to take revenge on his wife for infidelity or for her preoccupation with herself and inattention to him. He, my dear, by you increases his self-esteem and is psychologically compensated, because you create comfort and stimulate to life, exalting and loving disinterestedly.
- With you, that is, on the side, he realizes his sexual dreams: he can engage in perversions such as "sado" or "maso", since it's impossible at home.
- He is convinced of his exclusivity, craves admiration and scores points in his circle of friends, demonstrating success on the women's front. Sometimes a man gets a mistress just because all his friends have them.
- Sometimes a mistress becomes a manifestation of a man's misogyny, because in life he seeks to humiliate, insult a woman. Cheating for such a man is a kind of aggression: this is how he hits two women at once on the psyche, and enjoys it.
- And a man can be blissful when two women are fighting for him. He gets more pleasure from female rivalry than from the charms provided on the side.
- He loves to compete and beat back. It will certainly begin to openly or secretly fight with a man who is next to the desired woman. As soon as he wins, passion will disappear.
- He is attracted by the exciting struggle with his own crazy ideas and dreams (in this case- about the mistress). He needs memories of pleasure after the meeting, combined with a full bouquet of various problems, danger and difficulties turn a boring, calm family life into an extreme.
- He is a "faithful" husband with an impeccable reputation, he needs a ninja mistress who is not seen or heard by others. Find, model with her soap bubble happiness in which they "love", because inside is beautiful and good! And outside it is again white and fluffy.
In general, if you understand that it is important in your relationship, you are spared the need to ask questions like "Why do you need me, dear?" You will be able to immediately give him what he needs. If you want, of course.
Why do you need it?
A woman goes into relationships outside the family, not distributing her love like alms. Most often, she is looking for a winner. Or falls in love. Or having fun. Let's see how you motivate your betrayal of your husband (or yourself) or accept the courtship of someone else's husband.
- You are busy, and you do not have the time, desire and strength to build complex interpersonal relationships, without which it is unthinkable to imagine a family.
- She has already "married" and so far you are not burning with desire. You consciously choose such a role, because you do not need him as a husband.
- It's nice to chat with him, it's great in bed with him. Have something else in common - DUDKI! You decide when to meet and when to be alone.
- You think that there are enough men at work, and linking life with any one is the same as clipping your own wings.
- Modest family everyday life at home is replaced by a relationship with a lover "excitedly", on an anguish. It's interesting, after all.
- This is a step of desperation. She married a virgin, remained faithful, but every day she thought: "What if it's better with others?" At home, the feelings have completely faded away, and now a man has appeared who cares and talks about love. I took it and allowed myself.
- You do not want to be alone, and therefore you are laying a solid foundation for future relationships. All the delights of living together in your marriage cannot outweigh the burden of difficulties. You would like to courageously end that very family life, but it’s scary to go anywhere. You believe that a new man who has come into your life will bring big changes in your life. You are ready for a divorce, you want to change hands as soon as possible.
- With your husband, you are already close people and can fart in bed, but a man has appeared from dreams, and you are trying to see in your betrayal an opportunity to preserve the once connected love, respect, a well-built life and common values by solving your sexual problems with a pleasant man appearance. Why nag a husband whose sexual desire has decreased, if you can come home in a great mood, and not grumpy with no hope of satisfaction?
- You are driven by the desire to become happy, even if it seems so, but you really want to jump out of the opinion that is being created around you about waking up in a cold bed and no one needs a woman!
- You are married, and generally satisfied with life, but something is not right with your partner in the sense of sex ... So, once a week, sideways, so as not to spend extra calories - that's welcome, treason! You are acting on the strong recommendation of gynecologist Agrippina Zuzubailo, who claims that gynecological problems often arise due to irregular sexual activity. You just missed them! This is how you prevent.
- He is the exact opposite of your husband in everything. The one refers to football and beer lovers united on the couch, and this one is Oh! It has an electric charge in several places and successfully taps with this current on your especially sensitive areas.
- There is no peace with him. At home with your husband, there is complete silence and grace, and with him you constantly make an effort, each time letting go to your wife. External obstacles and circumstances cannot give you the opportunity to be together. And in your soul, as in the work of a lyric poet, there is a constant anticipation of love.
- You are a specialist in love over long distances, and he drifts on an ice floe for ten months out of twelve. Only calls, emails and SMS are frequent. You don’t consider cheating on your husband an additional opportunity to learn from a completely different person that you are the best in the world. You are not averse to getting a "crown" on your head from a man who occasionally appears who can arrange a holiday for you.
My darling! I don’t criticize you, because you run away from your husband not because you feel good with him. And the reasons for your own betrayal are also your own, and probably bitter. They say if you're afraid, don't do it, but if you do it, don't be afraid.
Today we will try to figure out how to behave properly as a mistress. After all, many girls completely forgot about the rules of conduct in such cases. Here are some rules of conduct.
1. You should never love a married man. After all, he has a wife, so let her love him. Similarly, suffering and distress can be avoided.
2. A mistress needs to learn to enjoy every hour, every moment of meeting with her lover. You need to understand that a mistress in a man's life is a joy and a holiday, and a wife is a gray everyday life. You should not pay attention to what holidays much less than weekdays, because the holidays are the sweetest. Thus, you can drive away bad thoughts from yourself.
And especially to have a good time will help such a tool. Thanks to him, you will not have to waste a single minute of joint time, since such a product will literally not allow a man to think about extraneous things.
3. Engage in some activity. The more busy, the more man will respect his mistress and in his eyes, you will become higher. And on his proposal to meet, answer what you need to look in the organizer, is there free time, which may coincide with its time. But instead, for some reason, some are trying to find out how to bewitch the guy they like without a photo at a distance.
4. Do not be upset if a man spends all public holidays with his family. It should not be the only light in your window. Holidays should be spent with friends, because they didn’t disappear when a lover appeared. After all, the holidays are always fun with friends. Well, if you still really want to be with your lover for the holidays, then it has come love and then these tips will not help. But they will help pleasant words. that everyone loves to hear.
5. Be natural. You should not listen to the advice of various magazines about the constant readiness for his arrival, so that you always have makeup and hair, you should not listen to these tips. He has already seen you many times without makeup and naked from the shower. After all, he comes to you and it does not matter to him the presence or absence makeup. He's already seen you without makeup and it didn't scare him at all. So relax, but do not forget to follow your beauty. If you do not maintain beauty, he may leave you. Then you don't even have to think about how to part with married man,
whom you love. After all, he will do everything himself.6. Do not become a cook for him. If you want to please him and cook something, let it not become a habit. It is better to go to a cafe together and have a bite to eat there. Well, if you still decide to cook food for him, do something that he has never tried. He must understand that he can only eat so tasty with you.
7. You need to understand that you are just pampering for him and a means of satisfying his ambitions. If you dream that he put on your finger wedding ring, read how to make a lover your husband.
I don’t know for which mistress it is written here, but anyway, sooner or later, the mistress begins to give whims and does not "to give" in general, and then comes the affect and other joys for men in the form. “so who am I to you?”, and who are you to me. And that's where the concert ends. So everyone should know their place, this is for girls for the future.!) In general, such articles should be removed from the air)
Probably, this is a personal matter for every girl - to live in marriage or remain an eternal lover. Although… there are no eternal lovers, their enemy is time.
I absolutely agree, such articles are useless. This is already a guide, as from "Pretty Woman", not to kiss on the lips. The fact that men especially married and especially long-married have a desire to party is not a secret. And such a “allowance”, with permission, only encourages this species"walks". And if you find yourself in such a situation as the wife of such a husband? If the wife is tired, then let her divorce, leaving her full support and forward to mistresses. And how to behave with him, I think the girls themselves will figure it out.
How often women are mistaken and believe that if you take a man away from the family, then you can build your happiness on someone else's grief. This happens extremely rarely or even does not happen. Mistresses should always remember that a man has gone to her, which means he will leave her for another .
I disagree with Daria. my father left his wife for my mother. They lived together for almost thirty years. In love and fidelity. That's it.
“I called myself a loader, climb into the back”, what else can I say ... became a mistress - be ready for this role with all not only joys, but also problems...
Common Mistakes mistresses. According to statistics, only four out of ten mistresses of married men manage to succeed: if not to create their own family, then in any case, destroy someone else's marriage and snatch a man from his wife and children. Based on the fact that almost a third of all mistresses are colleagues and subordinates of the husband at work, most of the mistresses are noticeably younger, slimmer, more beautiful and sexier than their wife, a fourth of the mistresses surpass their wives in terms of their social status, education and income, the question arises: why do mistresses show such a relatively low result? What reduces the efficiency of their efforts to destroy other people's family nests? Lucky for the wives Typical Mistakes of Lovers there are more than a dozen such reasons. Of course, the most important thing is the underestimation of the degree of a man's love for children. However, other factors are equally important.
Typical Mistakes of Lovers
when planning the removal of someone else's husband:
It's a paradox, but most often mistresses are jealous of their married friend
not to his wife, but to some other girls he knew.
However, this is a big mistake of mistresses! Mistresses usually do not understand that this woman (wife) was once able to successfully seize this man, defeated the competitors available at that time, and managed to become a legal wife. Therefore, if the wife turns out to be so smart that she remembers those “chips” that once helped her get married and correctly apply them in difficult times, she can still win. The wife's chances will increase markedly if she does not waste time on grandmothers, sorcerers, magicians, astrologers and psychics, and in difficult times does not get confused, masters adequate psychological literature or turns to experienced family psychologists. Therefore, writing off wives ahead of time is a big Typical mistake of lovers. For which they pay with their years spent on communication in vain.
4. Ignorance by mistresses of the true role of their man in his existing family.
My experience clearly shows:
At least 70% of married men who have lovers
in fact - "henpecked" their wives,
that is, they are not heads of their families at all.
Accordingly, when the time comes to discover a "left" connection and a natural relationship crisis, many men quickly understand their true state and, in fact, go to the "sale of their mistress." That is, they tend to abandon their mistress in order for the wife, who began to fight for her husband, to allow him to increase his status in the family: to have sex more often, to be able to meet friends more often, to pursue a career, hobbies, hobbies, etc. Hence, a frequent paradox:
For weak-willed men who do not know how to gain respect
to oneself in one's own family, rejection of a mistress - often, the only
an option to improve your status in the family.
As a matter of fact, from my point of view of a professional family psychologist, this explains a lot in family life. If the wife turns out to be smart and is able to create in her husband a long-term illusion of his leadership in the family, such a man will forever remain at her disposal. If, after the husband remains in the family, he relaxes again and flattens his pride, the man will be able to leave her for that mistress who will be able to create a sense of leadership for him.
5. Ignorance by mistresses of the full extent of the husband's dependence on his wife and her family.
Due to the fact that most of the men who created the “left connection” are trying to portray themselves as such “machos” and people who have achieved everything in life with their own efforts, many mistresses will not know for years that:
- her man's business was created on the basis of those connections of her wife's father, through which he will again become poor and useless;
- the whole career of her man is the result of the help of the wife's relatives or herself;
- it is the wife who is the inspirer of the whole business of a man, and the business itself is written specifically for her;
Hence, the mistresses cannot understand why such a successful and seemingly self-sufficient person cannot break ties with his old and lazy wife. Not knowing that without this wife and her relatives, not a single woman, including this mistress herself, would buy into this man.
Time usually works for men and against women.
Accordingly, not only the wife, but also the mistress grows old and worsens her external data. And if the latter becomes stout, becomes uninteresting in appearance, ceases to show sexual initiative, then a married man will ask himself a logical question: “What is the point of changing my awl for soap? One full sexy bummer with silicone implants to another? As a result, in the battle of two women who lost their competitiveness too early, the winner is the one with which the common life and common children are connected.
Married men usually go not to the most demanding,
but to the most complaisant mistresses.
All because see point number 4. If a mistress begins to clamp her married friend in a vise, then he asks a logical question: “What is the point of changing one mistress for another? Before that, for years I was built and afraid of one, and now after the divorce I will be afraid of the other? Why do I need all this? Therefore, there is such a pattern:
The more demanding a mistress becomes of her married friend,
the less her chances of becoming his legal wife.
The softer and more flexible it is, the higher its chances.
Especially if the wife is prone to tyranny, turning into a lazy and spoiled housewife with whom there is nothing to talk about, etc.
For the sake of brevity, I have named only seven of those twenty factors (typical mistakes of mistresses) that ultimately determine the chances of a wife and mistress to possess a particular man.
I also advise you to read my books such as:. This will help you avoid many mistakes in your couple or family.
If you or your couple need help, I will be happy to advise. family psychologist on (in Moscow) or consultations (via skype, viber, vatsap or phone). Registration for personal or online consultation by phone: +7926633520
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How to behave with a lover in order to get maximum pleasure from a relationship and a minimum of mental anguish , is a whole science. The option of an alliance with a married man is suitable for a married lady or a woman who does not want encroachment on personal freedom.
Meetings-holidays with romance, bright sex and other attributes will color the gray everyday life, make you feel welcome, special, give fresh emotions. You should not count on spending the weekend together, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you can call, write to your lover only at the agreed time.
What should be avoided in communication with a man
Some "forbidden" relationships pass quickly, others can last for years. Much depends on how much the partners value each other, for which the duet was originally created (sex, romance, communication).
If a man lacks mutual understanding, tenderness, unity of souls at home, then with the right approach of a mistress, it will be possible to build a relationship format that satisfies the needs of a partner.
Major mistakes should be avoided.
His family is sacred
It can be hard to accept that the person you love belongs to someone else. It is necessary to clearly understand from the very beginning, until a man independently decides to part with his wife, nothing will be done for a divorce. You can gently guide him, but do not press.
Decide at the start whether it is permissible in your relationship to talk about household chores, problems, discuss spouses, children, parents. If so, a woman should be sympathetic, you can’t sharply, categorically speak out about what is happening, criticize.
Men often take the position “only I can beat my slaves”, any rude word spoken to his family can turn him against his mistress.
You should not push through the situation by revealing your presence with calls and SMS to your wife. It is not a fact that, having faced a choice, he will not make it in favor of his legal wife, not wanting a change in life, an established routine. Discuss the time and means of communication. Can I call, write, what time?
No self-interest
Men are well aware when they want only money, connections, practical help from them. In fact, a lover does not owe anything to his chosen one.
If he has a desire to make her life easier and more enjoyable in a way accessible to him, he will certainly take advantage of the situation that has turned up. It is worth voicing some points in which it would be appropriate for his participation, but in an informative style, without requirements. The stronger sex, interested in a woman, perfectly hears and understands hints.
You can’t be offended because he takes his family to rest at an exotic resort, and presents inexpensive jewelry to his mistress as a gift. Speaking in a negative way, there is a risk of getting a rude, unpleasant answer.
His conscience will definitely not wake up from a note of protest. If the material component is important, you need to initially look for a sponsor.
Put aside the drama
A surefire way to mess up a relationship is to make a show of suffering. A lover for a man is a holiday that allows you to escape from the burden of problems, responsibilities, worries.
He longs for lightness, positive, sensual pleasures - anything but a picture wringing of hands about a missed call, a date rescheduled for another day, a meeting suddenly interrupted.
The girl should not reprimand him for having prepared dinner, prepared herself for the visit, planned the script for the evening, and her lover could not come. It can be difficult for unmarried women to spend weekends and holidays alone. It is advisable to organize your life in such a way that it is full and bright enough, and the visits of a man complement it.
How to behave with a married man if you are a mistress
The ringed representatives of the stronger sex are in no hurry to change the reliable rear of the house for the apartment of their mistresses . They are happy to find time for meetings, give attention, caresses, present pleasant surprises, but nothing more.
Men are not inclined to take steps towards a new life when falling in love, unlike the weaker sex.
When meeting with a married man, you need to understand what he is looking for, what missing elements he is trying to fill in, preferably:
- be able to find bringing together factors, interests;
- have a similar outlook;
- make friends, listen, understand, support;
- do not be shy to openly express positive emotions, feelings.
- maintain individuality.
With this approach, harmonious relationships are built in a couple, sealed not only by sex, but also by spiritual unity.
How to behave with a lover so that he is afraid of losing you: psychology
In order for the admirer not to relax, it is necessary to keep him in a light tone, but not to slip into an outright provocation to jealousy. He must understand that the life of a girl does not revolve around his person, she is rich and interesting. You should not show that the light in the window lights up only when he visits.
A woman develops, learns something, reads, goes to various events. Let him know about it. Just do not report that the exhibition was visited in the company of a handsome colleague: men are jealous, even when they have no moral rights to do so.
A bad option is to hang on it, get calls, messages. Let the guy feel a constant slight hunger for communication, but at the same time do not be afraid to show that his calls and visits bring joy.
It is useful to show character from time to time, not agreeing to anything that goes against personal desires and plans.
How to behave with a lover so that he himself reaches out to a woman
Representatives of the stronger sex love themselves most of all and when they are loved. The atmosphere of warmth, lightness, joy beckons them like a lantern of moths.
For the sake of this, they make friends on the side. You need to be different: calm, eccentric, quiet, submissive, capricious. Let him not know in advance which girlfriend is waiting for him today. It's nice when a lady is unobtrusively interested in business, asks how an important event or meeting went. This shows indifference to his life, participation.
What should be the behavior in bed
The most natural. Two people find themselves in the same bed for mutual pleasure. Frequent female error portray a model on the catwalk there: I’ll lie down like this, no wrinkles are visible on my side, etc. At such a moment, a normal adult man doesn’t give a damn about cellulite, “not such” hip bend, leg length.
He considered all this before sex. Since it happens and more than once, it means that all the physical data suit him perfectly. Gradually, it is worth studying the tastes of the chosen one, do not be shy to talk about erotic topics, compare fantasies. The coincidence of temperaments, the level of openness to new things, experiments is the basis of harmonious long-term relationships.
How to seduce and fall in love with yourself so that you don’t leave?
Seduction is a game of two, everyone must understand the rules, tactics and strategy. What does he want and what do they want from him. At the same time, a woman should be sexy: not vulgar, vulgar, rushing to break, but soft, mysterious, alluring.
Taming is a long and painstaking process. It is necessary to cause a number of habits associated with a passion in a man. Do not immediately try to embrace the immensity.
Enter the life of a lover on soft paws, gradually expanding the range. Maneuvering between humility, adoration of a man and the preservation of her own character, habits, individuality, a wise girl will be able to become indispensable.
How to tame and manipulate him?
, to get an idea of what kind of reactions to events he gives out, how they manifest themselves, how openly, intensely. Observation and intuition help in exploring the depths of the personality of the chosen one.
Some situations that cannot be studied in natural conditions can be “simulated”, created artificially. A subtle game is needed here: the guys, of course, relax, lose their vigilance in the presence of a young lady pleasant to the heart, but not all and not always.
You need to learn to notice the connection between words and the response to them, especially from facial expressions, the body.
What if he is cold?
In any relationship there are recessions of interest. If it became noticeable that the lover is no longer eager for dates, carving out any minute, then you need to ask yourself if you want to do something about it, keep in touch, or if you can, with a clear conscience, let the situation take its course and not regret it.
Don't want to do resuscitation? Fine, part on a good note, without scandals, accusations, reproaches.
Treasure relationships and are ready to save them? Show unobtrusive care, generosity, tact. Perhaps the guy has no falsity in work, health, family, and there is no strength left for “left” relationships. Offer help where you can be of real help.
How to behave if you are also married
Ladies make lovers for various reasons: they may lack attention, sex, affectionate words, admiring eyes, compliments, warmth, attention at home.
Boredom comes last. When men are asked why they need a relationship on the side, many answer that everything is fine at home: the wife is smart and beautiful, the kids are lovely, but there is no drive, insipid. The weaker sex more often gets what it lacks, falling into a dangerous delusion.
Having received what they need from the "left" partner, they fall in love with him so much that they are ready to send the whole world to hell and build a life with him. Wonderful, wonderful, thin, gentle!
Forgetting that he, perhaps, is only in the role of a boyfriend. At home, this is an ordinary husband, tired, preoccupied with problems, forgetting the need for gentle words and regular kisses. Council of psychologists: you need to prioritize and not fall into captivity of illusions.
Not worth:
- Ignore sex, spending time with your husband.
- Forget about contraception.
- Dedicate to the romance of girlfriends.
- Neglect measures to create an impeccable reputation.
A pair of married lovers is the best tandem: both outline a circle of rules that are strictly followed. It is more difficult with single admirers: you need to instill in them an understanding that at night, in the evening, there should be no calls, messages, or other compromising moments.
Portrait of an ideal lover
The ideal is unattainable, but it is necessary to strive for it. Polls among guys made it possible to create an image of a lady who the vast majority would like to see as their mistress.
Flawless appearance
From the ends of the hair to the heels. Delicate skin without frank flaws, natural makeup, clean hair- something that all men celebrate.
Candor and openness
The last thing potential lovers would like to play here is "guess what I was offended by" or "persuade me into sex." Many people have enough of such goodness at home.
Immediacy of behavior is welcomed (not to be confused with bad manners), initiative in bed, readiness for bold experiments.
Fighting girlfriend
Lover and friend rolled into one is priceless. A young lady who is able to share the passion of the chosen one, or at least try to understand what he found in it, instantly receives +1000 points to karma.
Easy and joyful
With a skillful approach, a lady can beat any feature of her appearance or character, teaching her as a highlight. Except for the always sad face.
Constant universal grief in the soul and on the face poisons the joy of communication. Few people want to be the eternal mixture of jester and psychoanalyst. More positive, pleasant emotions.
What are men afraid of in such a relationship?
When entering into a relationship with a mistress, men are most afraid of the following points:
- What does the wife find out about the fact of the “leftist”.
- That the mistress will become pregnant.
- That the mistress will insist on leaving the family, remarriage
Most fears are in the zone of what love relationship will require some kind of excessive effort, turning from an exciting but simple game that can be interrupted at any time, into a problem that requires solutions, often complex and unpleasant.
No one wants to get into a dependent relationship voluntarily. It is unlikely that from childhood you wanted to obsess over someone, giving up all your interests, suffering and waiting for everything to change. But life disposes differently.
Love for a married man has always been shameful, condemned by society, a taboo was imposed on relations with someone's husband. That's how we were brought up. If you fell in love with a married man, you are a homemaker, a destroyer of the cell of society. But it happened: you are a mistress.
Wait a minute to reproach yourself, look at modern realities that are not customary to discuss with colleagues at dinner, so as not to cause another portion of condemnation.
The vast majority of young families are formed according to the following scenario: they met at 20, got married six months or a year later, had a child at 22, and at 23 they couldn’t cope with adult life and played enough. Feelings and love pass, but the family is preserved by force of habit, fears and obligations. A man gets a mistress, a wife either endures, going into experiences, or also starts a new relationship - on the side. This may take years.
Is a relationship with a married man doomed or is there a chance?
You fell in love with a married man. The main thing is to stop blaming yourself and put an end to further happy life. If a married man is in love with you, is there anyone to blame for this? Try to figure out why he appeared in your life. It is possible that his appearance is not accidental.
Ask yourself 4 questions
Why am I in this relationship?
You know that being a mistress is bad, but every day you strongly associate yourself with a married man. What drives you? Are you ready to “fight for it” and build a future together, or do you want to live in the moment? Answer by looking at things unemotionally.
What do I get in this relationship, and what do I give to the partner?
You are free individuals who feel good together or relationships are built on dependence unknown to both of you, passion, perhaps there is a material interest or other benefits.
Did I consciously choose this type of relationship?
Were you frightened off by the presence of a spouse in a future man, or was it easier for you to associate yourself with a married man so as not to be responsible for a serious relationship?
Can a relationship with a married man make me happy in the future?
How do you see the development of these relationships, do they have a future, or do you understand that when passion subsides, it will be difficult for you to accept his life for two families?
About the connection with a married man, they joke funny only in jokes. In fact, being a lover means constantly waging an internal struggle and thinking that the man you love has a wife, that the relationship is doomed from the start, and still go on secret dates with him, stepping on your own self-respect.
From a psychological point of view, women who choose a relationship with a married man from time to time have internal problems. At a minimum, because having a relationship with a married partner means admitting your “second role”, being prepared to be hidden and asked not to write, not to call, not to wear perfume.
Depending on the relationship with a married man, you begin to justify him, look for solutions for him, believe that he will leave the family for you. But why would he do this if the only suffering party here is you, and not him?
Being the mistress of a married man means taking on the role of a strong, unburdened woman.
You can raise self-esteem by realizing that you are better than another: “After all, he runs to me, and she sits at home and doesn’t know anything, which means I’m more worthy”. But the paradox is that after each date a man hurries home to the one who is waiting at home. And when he leaves, the sense of self-worth instantly fades away. Does it really suit you?
Do married men divorce for their mistresses? Stop fooling yourself. Living someone else's life or being a detail in someone else's relationship means wasting your own time. Is it possible that a self-sufficient, self-respecting woman will agree to a supporting role, will she be ready to hide and not appear at those moments when her married partner is with his wife? Listen to yourself, how do you?
Relations with a married man: a psychologist's comment
Starting to meet with a married man, at first you feel light, you feel increased attention and amuse your self-esteem with the fact that he prefers you to his wife, he has fun with you and he deceives her, not you. But time passes, and it becomes more difficult for you to share it with your legal wife, from whom for some reason he is still not going to leave.
Then falling in love runs the risk of developing into addiction, driven by jealousy, selfishness, the desire to achieve your own, the desire to prove that you are better than a wife. Plunging into dependence on a relationship with a married man, you will inevitably fall into the scenario of abandoning yourself, focusing all your interests only on your partner, searching for meetings with him in any way.
When strengthening ties with a married man, the following are manifested:
- decrease in self-esteem: all the forces are spent on trying to meet, call, see, “fit” him into your space. You see yourself as a "fallback".
- internal dissonance: fluctuation between “love” and “hate”. Quarrels become more frequent due to the fact that he leaves the family.
- intense jealousy. If a partner is cheating on his wife, then who knows if he is cheating on you too?
- loss of interest in life, work, meetings with friends, internal destruction of the personality.
- self justification.
Even if you voluntarily went for an affair with a married man, knowing that he would not leave the family, then gradually you still begin to claim the No. 1 place in his life.
How female psychology works
First, you prove to yourself that everything suits you: “I don’t need a wedding, I just want to be there and love you,” then you gently and unobtrusively voice what you want, as a result, tears, depression and demands to leave your wife begin.
And if you manage to convince a man to leave his wife, will you be satisfied? Will there be room for new suspicions ( “He cheated with me - he will cheat on me”), mistrust ( “Dating secretly or wants to get back to ex-wife”), past grievances ( “I was with her for so long and did not divorce right away”)? So, out of a desire for romantic love and a full-fledged family, you drive yourself into dependence on experiences, reducing relationships to nothing.
Of course, it happens otherwise. Being in a relationship with a married man, giving him time, you follow your own choice. And, if you really want a sequel, take the trouble to do 2 things:
take off your rose-colored glasses.
“He is ready for anything for me”, he just cannot leave the family now”, “He has a difficult situation, I am ready to wait, because we love each other”;
make time for yourself.
Your development, expansion of the sphere of interests, awareness of yourself as a person, and not as an attachment to a partner. Do not immerse yourself in his interests, do not live his life and, moreover, do not try to solve his problems.
Decided to take a married man out of the family?
Why doesn't a married man leave his family for his mistress? Because he created an ideal model of life for him: he saved his family, thereby protecting himself from the attacks of society and the loss of a loved one, avoided material difficulties and at the same time leads a parallel life, where he receives care and warmth, fresh emotions and the realization of his own goals.
At the same time, he can experience emotions for his mistress many times stronger than for his wife. Driven by passion and love, he promises her (sometimes even sincerely) that love is huge, “a little later” he will leave the family for her sake, and “those golden mountains in the distance are yours.”
What is happening in reality?
Most often, nothing. Everything closes at the level of promises, relationships are stalled at this phase and, without development (and relations without development are doomed), they pass into the phase of deceived expectations and accusations, and later they stop.
If from a mistress you are determined to become a legal wife and take your husband away from your current wife, you have a chance. But not in the case when you voluntarily agreed to the role of a “second plan” for years and suddenly decided to become the main one in his life. No matter how well he treats you, no matter how pleasant your meetings are, he is comfortable with you as a mistress, and he will not change his life radically for you. The psychology of the relationship of a married man with his mistress is based on his stability, and changes contradict her.
If you nevertheless dared to take a man away from the family
There are chances to take a married man out of the family, even if they are small. Often a mistress appears in men, family life who have not been happy with them for a long time. And love on the side is a way to get pleasant emotions without ending the relationship with your spouse, because cardinal changes are too scary.
Acting carefully and slowly, you can influence a man, proving to him that living together with you will save him from existing problems, and not add new ones.
Direct demands, quarrels and reminders of his promises will not lead to a divorce, but they will show that relationships with you in the future are problems, scandals and nerves.
How to behave with a married man so that you have a future? The psychology of relations with him is not much different from the manner of behavior with a free partner, if your plans are to build strong trusting relationships.
Respect his decisions, give him the choice and the right to act as he sees fit, do not put pressure on him and do not impose your opinion - this is useless.
How to become a wife from a mistress: a psychologist's comment
Set a goal - not to impose yourself, but to make him want to be with you. Focus on yourself, not on him, his family, or your relationship. We are talking about expanding your personal space, about your own plans, about developing in directions that do not concern your relationship. By doing something to “build up” your personality, working on the psychological restoration of the right attitude towards yourself, cultivating a healthy egoism, you will restore the balance between personal space and relationships. An internally free person is always more attractive than the one who closes all interests on one person, all the more limiting him and negatively influencing his life.
Don't judge his wife
Even if he speaks negatively about her. She is his choice. By showing that you value your partner’s opinion, you influence the subconscious mind, he feels like a recognized leader, and this radically affects future decisions.
Just ask yourself if you are ready to build further relationships according to such a scenario, adapt and drown out even own feelings for him? It is possible to take a man away from the family. But are you really ready to compete with another girl, to spend your energy on destroying your family? Will it be psychologically easy for you to accept him and not allow the thought that he will find a mistress for himself, already being your husband? Achieving a goal is a normal desire. But how well did you set this goal?
Pregnancy by a married man
Some girls do not want to really look at the situation, and having pretty much “got involved” in a dependent relationship with a married man, they decide that the best way to win him over to their side and force him to leave the family is to get pregnant. Various tricks are used, up to and including deception.
However, before considering the last ways to take a man away from the family, calm down, weigh everything that is really happening in your situation: his relationship with his family, with children, with you, really look at your life together. You are his mistress, and it is unlikely that the pregnancy of a mistress will be a significant reason for leaving the family (especially if he already has children).
Pregnancy from a married man in most cases will only bring problems. Moreover, both to you and to him.
What do you want to prove to yourself, to him or his wife, by becoming pregnant? How will your self-esteem grow if you are ready for such drastic measures? Think of a child who will initially be a tool for tying a partner. And about his children, from whom, in your opinion, he will leave.
If the pregnancy is unplanned
He promised mountains of gold, you lived happily for a year or two or three and were satisfied with the meetings, sometimes he said that he would definitely leave the family for you, but there was no right time. To the news of your pregnancy, he said that he loved you, as before, and ... gave money for an abortion. How to deal with a situation when a pregnancy from a married man turns into a miscarriage?
You do not want this, consider the child the fruit of your happiness, and cannot believe that he acted so treacherously. You try to analyze and come to the conclusion that “yes, now is really not the time, besides, he loves me and talks about it directly.”
Understand that the decision about the fate of the child is yours. When you started dating, did everything suit you? Take a break from that. He will not leave his wife, will not become your legal husband, and, at best, will support you financially. Are you ready for such a life? Agree to raise a child in an incomplete family?
Just stop flattering yourself with the hope that with the advent of the child everything will change. It will change, yes, but it won't get easier, that's for sure. After all, many women raise children without men.
If a child is valuable to you, then you just have to be glad that he is from the man you love, even if this love differs from its standard understanding.
Do not make the mistake of thinking that your child is more important to a man than the children he has. Do not think that, having given birth, you will be able to manipulate him. The mistress of a married man is good because it is easy to take a break from her family problems, get distracted and after - return home. If she creates difficulties (and a pregnant lover for a married man is a great difficulty), then the very meaning of relations with her is lost.
Do you want this baby?
Are you ready to give birth to him for yourself, without linking the birth with your married partner? If yes - do not hesitate, you will hold out, survive this difficult period of torment and draw conclusions. It is possible that your priorities, goals, and, possibly, a man will change.
Whether to give birth from a married man: a psychologist's comment
It is important to clearly understand that a child is not a way to tie a man to himself, that his decent fatherhood in a legitimate family does not mean that he will treat your child in the same way. Whether to give birth from a married man is only your choice, here you can’t hide behind the partner’s excuses and the thirst for mythical happiness. Giving birth to a man, while remaining his mistress, is a psychologically difficult task. If you perceived your partner as a patron, afraid of your own responsibility, now you have to grow up and take responsibility not only for your life, but also for the life of another person.
Do not draw a picture in your head where only you, he and your child. When you realize that there is another family in this picture of the world, you can make the right decision and avoid emotional breakdowns, depressions and neuroses.
How to end a relationship with a married lover
If a:
- It is psychologically difficult for you to continue a relationship with a person who does not plan to leave the family, despite all the assurances.
- Or you finally realized that the relationship with a man ended emotionally a long time ago, but for some reason you are pulling them.
- There is not enough strength to break off dependent relationships, you are ready to be content with the illusion that you are loved, just not to be left alone.
- You understand that the relationship is hopeless, but you become more and more attached to your partner, clinging to the rare moments when everything is fine.
It's time to part!
The main problem of girls who decide to end a relationship with a man is that by leaving they want to prove something: “Let him feel that he cannot live without me”, “I will leave, he will come to his senses and return me”, “He will understand that it is better to be with me and leave the family”. Understand that your care should not be directed at your partner, but at you. If you made a conscious, informed decision to leave, you did so because the current way of things didn't suit you. By returning your partner after a breakup, you will only prolong this nervous period.
Understanding what you are gaining and losing in a relationship will help you make a decision. “They give me emotions, love and care” is not the answer you should give yourself, it will only keep you in a dependent relationship.
Self question time
The feeling that someone needs you is not a reason to continue the relationship. Evaluate all the disadvantages without justifying yourself and without trying to prove to yourself that everything suits you.
- Are you satisfied with being hidden?
- Satisfied that your future is vague or completely unrealistic?
- That you will never go on vacation together and plan a weekend together without a third person?
- What is your beloved man serious relationship with another woman, even if he says he doesn't love her?
He is a married man, his well-established life consists of frames and rules, and he will not change it, even if it does not fully satisfy him. It is easier for him to have a new mistress without pretensions.
If you decide to part with your beloved man, then you are tired of justifying yourself and him without getting anything in return.
Being the mistress of a family man is a dead end. Continuing a painful relationship is also a road to a dead end. It may be longer or shorter, but it will not lead you to a happy future. In the end, you will come to the questions: “Why did you need all this?” and “How to live further?”.
Falling out of love with a married man is difficult because you are used to being emotionally, mysteriously dependent on him. But dig deeper. Remember your feelings when, after meetings, he left for his family or when his wife called him. Did you feel better than her at that moment? If he didn't value her, would he hide you? By becoming aware of the actual emotions that you received in a relationship, you can set yourself up to stop dependence on a married man.
Understand that the relationship with him may drag on for years, but will not have any development. You will get used to the role of a mistress, you will take it for granted, but is this how you want to see your life? He will not leave the family for you, realize this. And even deciding to accept it as such, how ready will you be for such a model of life? Look at it from all sides: from yours, from his, from friends and parents, from colleagues. Ready?
Match promises and reality
Healthy relationships are built according to the scheme: “the personal interests of the first partner + the personal interests of the second partner + the common interests of the couple.” What common interests will arise over time, what goals will unite you if your overriding goal is to hide relationships and be together in secret?
It is difficult to get out of a relationship with a married man, as well as from any other dependent relationship, primarily because of your own fears and doubts. You make an attempt to leave, but you fall into a series of experiences, looking for ways to alleviate your morale, but you see that only he, the culprit of your problems, will help. And everything starts in a new way, with a pile of old grievances and misunderstandings and a new round of problems.
open your eyes
Relate your dreams and hopes to reality. You want to be with your beloved man, to receive care from him, you want to develop relationships and later - a family. The partner promises that it will be so, that living together with his wife is a temporary obstacle, he has not loved her for a long time and there has been no sexual contact with her for a long time. You wait and believe, because you rightly believe that relationships cannot be built without trust.
Now look at reality. Are you getting, albeit gradually, what you strive for? Does he long for your life together? If you are wondering how to break up with a married man, apparently, reality and dreams are still different.
How to break up with a married man: a psychologist's comment
Remember: no conflicts, external factors, other people will pull you out of a protracted connection. Only an inner attitude and work on your own goals and an understanding of their expediency will help you get out of a dependent relationship with a married partner. Perhaps you are driven by fear or do not want to take responsibility, but only internal changes can improve your life.
Break down a breakup with a married man into 3 steps:
Talk
The most honest conversation with direct questions about the future of your relationship will remove illusions. Set deadlines and specific actions. The goal is not to hear once again that everything will work out, but to determine your personal attitude to what was said and what is really happening. If you see an opportunity to continue the relationship “in a new capacity”, take this chance, but determine why you continue and what exactly, in what timeframe you should come. If there is no possibility, and only the promise of mountains of gold remains, leave.
Making sense.
Relate what you hear to your vision of the future. Imagine yourself in this relationship 5 years later. You don’t get younger, you won’t be able to turn back time, but you don’t want to let it go. If you understand that you will break up anyway, why are you delaying this moment for the rare calm of “now”? Remember past relationships, problems: you painfully let go of most of them at one time, and today it is easy for you to remember them. Why are you consciously going to suffering and dragging the burden of current unpromising relationships into the future?
Shifting focus from relationships to self.
If you find it difficult to abandon a partner overnight, use the techniques of “switching”. Continue communication with a married partner without directing efforts to get rid of the role of a mistress. But gradually look for new activities, interests, set personal goals outside of relationships, even if they go to the detriment of them. Especially if they go to the detriment! Complementing your personality, you inevitably leave the space of dependence on relationships and become not a part of them, not a part of a partner, but an independent person.
At this stage, it is important to accept your feelings (love, selfishness, painful addiction - it doesn’t matter), but consciously begin to focus not on them (or how to get rid of them), but on something from a completely different plane. Over time, the psychological tension arising from the constant twisting of the situation in the head will weaken.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner. Your task is not to prove to him your strength, independence or superiority, but to achieve your own peace of mind. When you are ready, talk to him, tell him that you are ending this relationship not in a fit of emotions, not because he is guilty of something. The reason is the lack of a shared future and your justified desire for stable happiness. Ask not to keep you, because you want to build a full-fledged family in the future and think you deserve it.
“I understand everything, but…”
If you (consciously or not) became the mistress of a married man, start by answering yourself why this happened. And then - decide what you want to come to. If you feel that you need help, talk to a psychologist: working with him will help you better understand the situation and find a comfortable way to resolve it.
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