Greetings, dear men! Recently, one of my clients asked - how to forget your mistress, if you are strongly drawn to her? Sometimes there is a person who, in a completely incomprehensible way, begins to pull. These relationships may defy logic and all sorts of explanations, but what if you need to forget and let go? How to do it in the least painful way and not ruin another part of your life? Today I invite you to discuss why you are drawn to this or that girl, what to do with your wife and what actions will help you quickly get rid of feelings for your mistress.
To begin with, let's decide why you are still so strongly drawn to this beautiful person. A man can have a lot of reasons why a girl clings to him and does not let go for a long time. I once heard a guy say: I can’t forget her because of the smell of her perfume, they seem to put me in a trance. And this also happens.
Sex. The most common reason. When a spouse gets a mistress, then, most likely, he is looking for diversity in bed. Because the wife constantly has a headache, she is not ready or tired, and so on. But there is a girl who can do such things in bed that any acrobat will envy. And it attracts. It is very difficult to refuse this. Especially if there is no alternative.
The senses. But besides the bed, sometimes there are other feelings and emotions. Fell in love. Maybe this is not a strong and eternal love, but a pleasant and passionate love. When feelings arise, then it becomes much more difficult to end a relationship. After all, the person is already becoming a part of you.
Another option is that she herself left you. Leaving is always easier than staying. And then there is a desire to return, to understand why she left, what went wrong. The hunter's instinct kicks in again, the prey has escaped and needs to be caught again in its paws.
In the article " Why is drawn to a certain person"You can find a more detailed answer to this question. After all, it's not always all about the bed.
When you are trying to forget your mistress, one of the surest steps is to plunge into family relationships again.
Look at your wife from a different angle. Try to notice things that you have never noticed before. After all, destroying a family is forever.
I'm not saying that only the husband should do something in the relationship. It is always the work of both partners. How often do you talk to your spouse? Not about the child's future kindergarten and what you need to buy in the store, but heart to heart, about your dreams and fantasies, about inner feelings and fears.
It is necessary to share with a person, to open yourself and try to understand the other. Only then is normal contact with this person possible.
I know men often do not take such words seriously. To them, such conversations seem like empty chatter, a waste of time. But you try. Open up to your wife. Trust and learn to trust her.
Building a family is a difficult task and not everyone copes with it. Start treating your wife like a mistress. Do not think that you are bound by the bonds of marriage and a stamp in your passport. She is an ordinary girl/woman. Love her. Fall in love with her again. Think about what will happen if she is gone tomorrow?
To help yourself forget a person, you need to follow simple and unsophisticated steps. At least stop looking for meetings. Even fleeting ones.
It only reopens old wounds, again returns to those feelings from which you are trying to get away. As the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind. A very true tactic. The longer you don't see each other, the weaker the bond becomes.Sometimes you can’t forget quickly and it’s impossible to force yourself. Do not try to find out something about her from mutual friends, erase all phone numbers, delete from social networks, delete all correspondence, photos. If you really want to part with a person, then this must be done correctly. Sitting and looking at her picture is unlikely to help you cope.
Find a new hobby. Not a new relationship with another woman, you have a spouse and build relationships with her, but an occupation, a hobby. Skydive, go fishing, ride a bike. Anything. When a person is busy with business, he does not have time to think about something else.
In the end, go to a psychologist if thoughts start to become obsessive and you can’t get rid of her image in your head. It will help you understand why you are so attracted to a person and tell you how to deal with it in your particular case.
In the article "How to break up with a mistress married man» you will find useful and practical tips that will definitely help you do everything right and end the relationship.
What does not give you rest? Why can't you let her go? How are things with your wife? Why did you even go left?
Hello, my name is Olga. We have been living with my husband for 11 years, he is 44 years old, we have common child 6 years. For the last 1.5 years, we constantly quarrel. I kicked him out several times, but then put up. Recently (this was not during a quarrel, but just when everything was already working out) my husband had a mistress, found out by chance by checking her husband’s phone, although she had never done this before. I talked to him, he decided that he would remain in the family , but I see how he is suffering, he cannot forget his mistress, he admitted to me that he is drawn to her, but he is also drawn to his family. He says that he is confused. Of course, I understand that very little time has passed, but it is very hard for me to see his torment. He does not feel any remorse about betrayal. He said that we would live together only for the sake of the children, although I did not persuade him to return , even offered to leave if he loves his mistress. But he himself cannot make any firm decision, he decided to stay in the family only because we talked with him for a long time and the mistress was not opposed to him returning to the family. What should I do in this situation? My husband is dear to me, I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t live in such an atmosphere. It’s a shame that he himself doesn’t know what he wants, he goes with the flow. He understands this himself, but does nothing to change something.
Psychologists Answers
Hello Olga.
"My husband is dear to me, I don't want to lose him, but I can't live in such an atmosphere." Decide for yourself what you want. If you want to save a family, then you must be prepared for such behavior of your husband (in a situation of choice and experiencing loss, such behavior is natural), as well as for the fact that you cannot reproach and blame him for something, otherwise both him and your life you will turn into hard labor. If you decide that you can not forgive him, then make the decision to leave. You cannot influence your husband's behavior, but you can manage your life and make your own decisions.
Good answer 3 bad answer 1Hello Olga! Unfortunately, this is a typical and very common situation. 44 years for a man is like a second wind, a second youth, an opportunity to do something, to prove to himself that he is still an eagle. You correctly noted that he does not know what he wants. That's exactly what it is. Because he is full of conflicting feelings and desires. On the one hand, he does not want to leave his family, on the other hand, he also does not want to leave his mistress. Many men in such a situation often shift the responsibility for the decision onto the shoulders of women. Like, decide for yourself. This is a very comfortable position. If you kick him out - he always has the opportunity to tell you - you kicked me out, it's your fault, I didn't want to leave. In addition, if the mistress takes an indefinite position - stay in the family and at the same time does not expel him, then this situation confuses the man even more. And he has no choice but to do nothing. Of course, if there were real feelings and love, and with you - everything is disgusting, he would have left long ago and the child has nothing to do with it. Therefore, most likely, he will play for time and wait until everything "resolves" by itself. How satisfied are you with this situation? It’s very difficult for you, and just like him, you have conflicting feelings - and you don’t want to let your husband go and it’s difficult to look at his experiences. What are your options? The first option is to wait until it "goes crazy", while taking care of yourself, changing your image, hairstyle, wardrobe, allowing yourself small pleasures - massages and spa treatments, dancing and other women's little things. At the same time, you can increase your attention to your husband so that you are not very drawn to “going there” - to cook your favorite dishes, not to endure the brain, only amenities and comfort at home. Plus, diversify your sex life and life in general, hiking, field trips, common hobbies and hobbies. The second option is to let him go free swimming, not forgetting to wave his hand so that he quickly determines his priorities and values. At the same time, again, take care of yourself, continue to live your life, raise a child and add trips to this list to this list.
Hello, please help! Our marriage is 17 years old. The first time my husband cheated was when his first daughter was 1.5 years old. I forgave you. They began to live, everything was fine, they were happy. Four years ago, he insisted on a second child. A wonderful girl was born, but very restless, sleepless nights affected me, denied him intimacy (there was only one thought - to sleep). Six months ago, I accidentally found out that he had a mistress (although, of course, there were already suspicions). It happened on the 1st day of our vacation. On the beach, he, having gone for drinks, left the phone, and then an SMS came, I was in shock. Children are nearby, people are sunbathing. Then he called her again, saying that he loves, and then I again came in at the wrong time. She cried for three days, then got ready - we talked a lot, said that she loved me (she, too!) And the children. We had crazy sex. And I was so afraid to be left alone, realizing that if everything had happened at home, everything would have been different. The kids love him and they love him. We arrived, put the question point-blank: me or her. In front of me, he called her, said that everything (and so calm). And again, crazy sex, walking together, holding hands, like schoolchildren. He said that he fell in love with me again, and was able to save his family, he would not have been able to do without us. I also feel like I love him.
Now, six months later, I seem to calm down, let go of everything, but no way. Almost every day I replay the situation anew, I remember everything to the smallest detail, and a lump in my throat rolls up to my throat. I hate myself and can't do anything! How to forget such a betrayal? And the question is still tormenting - if he told his mistress that he loves, then could he really forget her so easily and delete her from life, I don’t understand. If I could, I asked him myself, but our question is closed. And I'm tired of living with such a burden.
Elena, St. Petersburg, 35 years old
Family Psychologist Answer:
Hello, Elena.
If he told his mistress that he loves, these could be ritual words that for him meant only a pass to her bed, no matter how harsh it may sound. But you yourself understand that there are women for whom it is important to hear this, and it is not so important how sincerely it is said. It is important that it was said. And, accordingly, the relationship can already be qualified by this woman not as "just sex", but as something more significant. And a man could just pick up on her need for it, and being interested in an affair with her, just tell her what she wanted to hear. Ask yourself the question: what is the point of scrolling through the situation? What does it give you? Every action has some positive intention. Do you think about it to "not relax"? Are you afraid to trust your husband, and therefore again cause these thoughts, so as not to trust him again 100%? This happens quite often as well. And at this level, you will have to decide with yourself the question, do you want to trust him completely again? And are you able to work on yourself for this? Another option: you did not throw out the insult to the end, and the issue turned out to be “closed” before you had time to digest it. And now you seem to be obliged to be silent. Naturally, if there was a need to express something, but you did not have time, then these thoughts will spin until you throw them out. But it is not necessary to do this in a conversation with a husband. Write a letter. Where once again properly throw out all your pain and resentment. And then burn this letter. You can do this over and over until it really gets easier. If this does not help, it makes sense to visit a specialist, because anyway, each person is a unique case, and it is better to find out specifically his motives for getting stuck in offense personally.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.
When a woman finds out about her husband's infidelity, a most difficult life streak immediately sets in for her. After the first shock, explanations with her husband, the woman still has a lot of unresolved issues. It is necessary to decide how to live on, what to do with common property, and most importantly, to be able to quickly forget unpleasant moments. Let's talk in more detail about how to forget your husband's betrayal and the advice of a psychologist will help you deal with a difficult situation.
From any, it would seem the most difficult situation, you can always find a way out. The main thing is to competently approach the solution of the problem that has arisen, to solve it calmly, without panic. This also applies to the situation when a loved one betrayed.
At first, it is difficult for a woman who has learned about betrayal to even imagine how to forget her husband's betrayal. To resolve the issue, try the following suggestions:
- before making any decision regarding the unfaithful spouse, you must finally make sure that there really was a betrayal;
- evidence of a spouse's betrayal can be his confession or some evidence obtained personally by you. Do not trust photos, conversations from instant messengers or other information received from unauthorized persons. People may be interested in discord your family relations and forge evidence;
- don't even trust your best friends. In a relationship between two, there should be no third parties.
Rarely, but it happens when it would seem strangers interested in terminating your relationship. Never exclude such a possibility, act very carefully.
How to forget the betrayal of a loved one, so as not to return to a difficult and unpleasant situation? Try following these steps:
- before attacking your husband, give him the opportunity to somehow explain himself;
- without a frank conversation, it will not be possible to make a competent decision. Often, if not always, both spouses are to blame. Whatever the reason for the betrayal, she says that the relationship has cracked;
- having learned the true reason for the betrayal, analyze what happened and think about how to continue to behave with a man;
- It won't take long to calm down completely. You don’t know how to forget the betrayal of your loved one, so try to calm down first, and then wait a while.
Not all women are able to cope alone with the stress when they find out about the betrayal of their spouse. You should not wait for the situation to normalize on its own, it is better to seek the advice of a psychologist.
- psychologists distinguish such a problem as the incompleteness of the action. The bottom line is this: any action must necessarily end with something. Otherwise, the problem will depress the psyche. So it is with betrayal. If everything ended only with a conversation, it is difficult for a woman to forget about what happened;
- to get rid of the problem, you need to set a task for yourself, then complete it. For example, you figured out the reason for your husband’s infidelity, but you don’t know what to do next. It means that thoughts about this will not let go, they will interfere with a quiet life;
- in order to quickly forget about betrayal, you need to adjust your behavior in such a way as to make a firm and final decision. If you are going to forgive your husband, then forgive and forget the insults. Decided to leave - do it and get it out of your head too.
Any decision should be made only in a calm state. In a strong disorder, in emotional stress, it will not be possible to accept
smart decision.If you continue to live with your husband, then do not remember every conflict situation about his mistake. Especially when the spouse sincerely repented. Don't bring up old sins. Since you gave your husband a chance, then give him the opportunity to use it. So the woman herself will be easier to forget about what happened.
How to forget about the betrayal of her husband? Stop the compassionate attitude in yourself, and you can look at the situation differently.
Where does pity come from when it comes to treason? The woman feels unhappy, injured, she becomes offended. The deceived wife begins to feel sorry for herself. And pity is one of the worst definitions. Feeling sorry for yourself means feeling worthless, inferior to someone else. This lowers self-esteem, confidence disappears.
It is even worse if, despite the betrayal of a man, the wife begins to feel sorry for him. Think about how you are worse than your man to be humiliated like that. What advantages does he have that gives him the right to humiliate the woman he once loved. Answer these questions honestly for yourself, and put pity out of your head.
It is difficult to forget about the betrayal of a beloved husband. And if there are common children in the family, then the situation is doubly complicated.
- so that your head is not clogged with thoughts of betrayal, do something interesting. Find an activity that takes everything free time so that there is no time to be distracted by such reflections;
- in order not to fill your head with thoughts of betrayal, read the statistics. Almost every family at least once, but experienced the betrayal of one of the partners. It doesn't get any easier than that, of course. But think, if everyone continued to think about betrayal, then the relationship and later life would stop;
- in some exceptional cases, cheating acts as a reset of the relationship. The spouses continue to live together, and their feelings are not only restored, but reach a new level.
The most difficult and unpleasant test can also be viewed from a positive side. This is another page of life experience. After experiencing a betrayal, you will begin to look at relationships differently, become wiser.
Probably every girl faces a problem overweight? Indeed, sometimes it is not easy to lose weight, look slim and beautiful, remove the sides or stomach. Diets do not help, there is no strength and desire to go to the gym, or it does not bring tangible results.
As you know, the relationship between the stronger and the weaker sex begins with mutual sympathy, which develops into love, because each of us seeks to find his life partner and it is our site that will help you build really strong relationships and become happy.
Sometimes life develops in such a way that a well-established life and carefully built family comfort become not the main thing. Suddenly She appears, another lady, to whom she is unimaginably drawn, and now the years of life lived together with her wife are fading into the past. In the present, only she remains, a new passion, unknown, alluring, promising.
However, after a while you begin to understand that marriage is a very important part of your life, and you want to stay only with her, that young lady that you once chose as your partner. How to overcome an irrational and not always understandable feeling for another, how to learn to cope with this craving, sometimes even unhealthy? How to return to the family and again love your wife with all your heart?
The best way to change something is to first understand it. You need to put your emotions aside and figure out the reasons, and only then you can understand what exactly to do if you are strongly drawn to that other one.
Surprisingly, the reasons can be so varied and so inexplicable that one wonders. Someone has clear and strong associations with the childish image of first love, pure, selfless, not overshadowed by partings, pain and betrayal. Such a factor sometimes becomes a smell that causes some kind of complex, but painfully pleasant feelings - and the aroma of her perfume will be felt for a long time in every gust of wind. The sound of her voice. emotions from her appearance. Any fact, anything, and not necessarily deep penetration into the soul.
There is also banal sex - one of the most common reasons.
In such cases, the appearance of a mistress in a man is usually associated with a lack of sex in the family bed or with a lack of variety. In any taboo, categorically unacceptable spouse for one reason or another, or complexes. She sometimes has an inappropriate headache, she gets tired when she comes home from work, she has many reasons - after all, the spouse lives with you, and does not just appear at some convenient time and disappear again. And the girl with whom the man meets and she does not have time to get used to him, suddenly turns out to be an acrobat or will have an inexhaustible fantasy in the complete absence of complexes. This is interesting in itself, and in the absence or lack of sex in married life- especially.
It also happens that an acute feeling of falling in love with another person flares up. Sometimes even love. And it will seem a hundred times stronger than it was ever to his wife. Or vice versa, these feelings do not require obligations, they are easy and pleasant. And here the situation becomes more complicated: when you are in love, you see another person brighter, deeper, more penetrating. Then, if the need comes to break ties and return to the attuned life and marriage, it becomes too painful and confusing.
A woman is able to bind a man doubly by leaving him. It’s a paradox, of course, but nevertheless, then the hunter’s instinct kicks in sharply, and even if the man himself has already tried to break the existing connection, no one likes to be abandoned. And in contrast, he begins to hold her, following the instincts.
But what about the spouse?
It's pretty clear why this is happening. But what to do with this, how to return the old, cozy home relationships with such a dear and painfully familiar wife? Try to see in her what attracted you once when you decided to start building a life together. Try to consider in it not only what was good once, but also what is beautiful in it today. Talk to her heart to heart, sincerely, remember that you have something to talk about and remember. She dreams of something, strives for something, loves something and wants from life - it's worth a lot.
What kind of magician will you suddenly become if you give gifts not to the other one, but to your partner, who appreciates them and thanks you. Open yourself to her just as you open her to yourself. Let me see your fears, dreams, without fear of anything. Become understandable, accessible and close to her. Consider in it the person you are now looking for on the side. Surely you will find those features that attract you in another woman, and in your wife - how long have you looked at her so carefully? Once you started building your life together, it's not too late to continue what you started, albeit from a different line.
Be a Pygmalion, make yourself a lady from your wife. Tell her what you would like, what is important to you, what you value, especially if it has changed since the day you met or compared to the beginning of your life together. Time goes by, people change. Perhaps she will also be interested in trying on a different role. To return the image of the former self - if she is tired and has forgotten her femininity in everyday life.
Think about how you will feel if your spouse leaves tomorrow, disappears from your life forever. Make sure that doesn't happen today. Then you will be able to appreciate how important it is for you to have her next to you - the one who remembers you young, with whom you have not only common children, but also shared events and joys. No one else will remember them but her.
If the mistress is only for sex, you can break the connection by talking with her about the desire to return home. There will simply be no one, and no one will be able to give you advice in this matter - it depends on the mistress, on the nature of your relationship with her, and many other, not always predictable, factors.
It's always harder to break up if the interactions you've had were more emotional than physical.
You can, of course, do this abruptly and without explanation, simply by disappearing from her life. But it will be quite unpleasant not only for her, but also for you. Therefore, the conversation will be a more humane way out in this situation. If you are talking to emotional level, you may well be honest and open with her, she will appreciate and accept it, even if not immediately.
In any case, try not to hurt the other person, especially if you know the pain points. Of course, you most of all want to protect yourself from unnecessary hassle and difficulties, but if it so happened that several actors are involved in the situation, you can try to protect them to the maximum.
It is important at the same time not to prolong the pleasure and take decisive steps, without returning suspiciously to the previous positions. The decision made needs to be implemented.
How to forget another woman and return to yours
If the question "How to forget a mistress?" you set firmly and decided to return to marriage, a few recommendations on this topic, a kind of psychologist's advice on restoring marriage and strong feelings within the couple, may be useful to you.
Do not look for a meeting with that, the other. No matter how difficult it is, do not feed your passions with additional incentives. If you constantly see it in front of you, even just looking at the photo, you will not make your path easier. No wonder people say: out of sight, out of mind. The less often you see each other, the easier it is to forget her.
Do not try to find out from your friends or mutual acquaintances how she is doing, what she is doing, who she sees. Do not injure yourself or them - they may have to choose sides. Delete the phone numbers associated with her, photos, and any reminders of her and what you had. Do not provoke yourself to possible calls.
Look for some new hobby or return to a well-forgotten old one.
Fishing, chess, skydiving, equestrianism - anything that can distract you from thoughts and memories. Better yet, find an activity that will be interesting for your spouse. Spending time together brings you together, you will have new memories, new impressions, you will have something to talk about. At the same time, you can devote more time to your wife, reveal new qualities and traits in her.
Often a relationship with a mistress has more to do with neurosis than with love as such. Therefore, if it is difficult for you to cope with this condition on your own, consultation of a specialized specialist - a psychologist, a psychotherapist - will help you. There is nothing shameful in asking for help from someone who has already eaten a dog in this matter. Experience plus knowledge and professionalism can make the journey back to the family shorter and easier.