The man treats me like a little girl. How a man treats a baby at different stages of his growing up or stages of paternity. Don't get hung up

Have you ever said things like this to a man:
"Darling, have you forgotten your wallet?"
"Don't forget to stop by the dry cleaners on your way back."
"Do you remember to pay the overdue bill?"
“Did you forget to book your seats? Don't worry, I'll call you."
“How many times do I have to tell you not to leave wet towels on the floor?”
"You won't get cold in this light jacket?"

If you recognize yourself, then read this article to the end. Mistake number 1 is the most common and destructive in our relationships with men. We treat men like children; believe that they cannot take care of themselves; we act as if they don't know how to do anything themselves and need our constant guidance.

I know what you're thinking - that in many cases it's true! And you may be right. But this is not an excuse. It is very important to remember:

When you treat a man like a little boy, he starts acting like a little boy. If you assume that a man is not capable of independent action, he will be so.

Women behave like mothers and treat men like children in the following ways:

1. We constantly help men and do for them those things that they should do for themselves. We look for keys for him, clean up after him, go to another room to bring him something; straighten his tie; comb his hair; we select clothes for him in the morning and put them on the bed, it remains only to purchase orthopedic mattresses so that there is complete comfort.

2. We play on words to get information from them. We say: “Yes, you are hungry ... do you want to eat porridge? Not? What about. Do not want? Well, what about the wonderful soup? Don't you want too? Well, let me think... I know... What if I give you a hot cheese sandwich. Want?"

3. Assuming that men are forgetful, we constantly remind them of what they need to remember themselves.
"Don't forget to call me when you get there."
"Don't forget to take Masha to the dance class."
"Don't forget to take out the trash."
"Don't forget to go to the doctor after work."

4. We grumble at them as if they were children.
“Where are you going without a jacket? Don't you know how cold it is outside?
“How much can I tell you to turn off the lights before you go to bed? Our electricity bill is already very high.”
“Did you eat a whole pizza and drink three beers in a pub while watching a match? No wonder your stomach hurts."

5. Taking responsibility for things we don't think they can do well.
“If I instruct Alexander to book a table in a restaurant, he will either mix up the time or forget to reserve a good table, so I do it myself.”
“When I last sent Sergey with the children to the store, it was just awful - they bought things that you can’t wear to school. Now I go shopping by myself. Enough for me".
“I asked Dima to find us a cozy hotel in Venice a few months ago, and imagine, he got it out of his head. Now there are three weeks left before our trip, and I have to cut off the phones to book places at least in some hotel.

6. Correct and direct them.
"The way you used that word in a sentence is wrong, dear."
“I think that if we drive along this street, we will not get stuck in a traffic jam on Tverskaya. In fact, if I were you, I would stick to the left lane. ”
"Why don't you call your mom. Tell her first that the kids are not well, then don't forget to mention how busy you've been at work this week. And after she begins to worry, let her know that we have decided not to visit her next Sunday. But don't just tell her that we were at my mom's last weekend."

Why do women treat men like mothers?

I know it hurts you to know that you are playing the role of mother to the man you love, but trust me, you are not alone. So why do we act like mothers and treat our men like children?

Women are groomed for motherhood and praised for their motherly behavior. Since childhood, your mother has been your main example. Watching her care for you and your brothers and sisters, you learned to nurture, to give your all to those around you, satisfying their needs. And if your mother played the role of a mother with your father, then this habit has become entrenched in you even more firmly. If you almost always saw that your mother treated her father like a mother, and not like a lover, you began to believe as a child that this is how women should behave with men. As an adult, you did not hesitate to coddle men in the way you were taught, believing that this was the only way to relate to them.

Until recently, motherhood was one of the most common "professions" among women, followed by the profession of nanny and teacher. We grew up watching our mothers being praised for taking care of everyone, and we ourselves were praised for it: “What a great fellow you are, Sveta, you take care of your little brother so well.” "Be kind, Zhenya, take the slippers to dad, good girl."

We often start acting like mothers when we want to earn the love of men.

Olga, married for fifteen years, described it this way: “As soon as I began to feel that Andrei was not attentive enough to me, I immediately resorted to the maternal type of behavior - I began to cook his favorite dishes or put his things in order, in a word, I was so as precautionary as possible. By this I wanted to get more love from him, more intimacy, I wanted him to behave with me rather than as a husband, but as a lover. Of course, what I received was exactly the opposite of my desires - a grateful "son" was grateful to me for the work.

We treat men like mothers, to become necessary to them. When you try to satisfy all the needs of a man, he becomes more and more dependent on you. We all watch TV commercials in which a man tries to cook dinner for his children in the absence of his wife. He appears before us as an inept idiot, absolutely helpless in his own house without a wife. The more you care about a man, the more he relies on you and the more indispensable you become. The fear of being abandoned dictates this behavior to us. Subconsciously, we think: "If he needs me, he will never leave me."

Men are used to receiving maternal care and love to be taken care of.

I recently led a seminar with a group of women and asked the audience a rhetorical question, "Why do women act like mothers to men?" And then the woman from the last row shouted out: “Because men love it!” Everyone laughed, for they knew that there was a great deal of truth in her words. Do men complain that you treat them like a mother? Sometimes, but not always.

A man feels loved when you treat him like a mother.

Men grew up surrounded by the cares of their mothers, and as adults, they easily allow their wives to continue to play a motherly role in their lives. This is especially the case for men whose mothers treated their fathers like children. He can generally associate the very concept of “wife” with his mother, with a person who constantly takes care of him, educates him, and not with his mistress, best friend, partner. And if your man didn’t receive enough love and care from his own mother in childhood, he will gladly let you “finish the job.”

How can your motherly attitude towards a man destroy your union?

Playing the role of a mother, you will be rewarded at first, but in fact this behavior will certainly destroy your relationship with a man.

1. Your man will begin to feel irritated, he will rebel against you.

Every little boy has a need to achieve independence from his mother in order to realize himself as a man. Playing the role of a mother with your man, you will inevitably face the fact that he will begin to resist your influence, this will subsequently lead to the fact that he will rebel against you. He may not complain about your behavior; moreover, he may insist that you do not change him, and yet he will rise in revolt, because all boys one day cut their ties with their mother. You may doubt that your man will grow up. At this point, ask yourself - do you need such a man and such a relationship?

2. Your man may get tired of feeling inferior.

If you constantly treat a man like he is incompetent, he will begin to feel that way. And the more he feels incompetent, the lower his self-esteem will be and the more incompetent he will actually become.

When a man is dissatisfied with himself, he begins to love you less.

Male self-esteem is based on a sense of competence. And if he feels insecure in any area of \u200b\u200blife, it becomes difficult for him to love not only himself, but also you. To emphasize his incompetence by treating him like a child is to inevitably suppress his desire to love you.

On the other hand, the more incompetent your man appears to you, the less he will excite you. Women are attracted to competence. Thus, the more inept he looks, the less attractive he will be to you.

3. You will kill the passion in your relationship.

The fastest way to kill the passion in your relationship is to treat the man you love like a mother.

The more you act like a mother, the more he will treat you like his mother. But no man wants to sleep with his mother. The sexual taboo against a woman endowed with excessive maternal energy is so deeply rooted in a man that he simply cannot represent you in an erotic, romantic light if you constantly blow dust off his clothes, remind him of what he has to do around the house, in general treat him like your son.

Of course, treating a man like a child, and you will cease to be attracted to him. What kind of romantic feelings can you talk about if at the end of the day, looking at your man, you think to yourself: “He can’t find his socks, he lost his keys again; I need to call the plumber, has he forgotten again?” How can someone who you just treated like a three-year-old child excite you?

Mistake #1 is one of the most important reasons sexual dissatisfaction in many marriages. Living together for twenty years, the financial oppression experienced by the family - all this also kills passion. But nothing destroys it so much as the transformation of wife and husband into mother and son.

Stop treating men like mothers.

Here are some suggestions on how to transform yourself from your man's mother into his lover:

1. Stop doing for a man what he should do for himself. The desire to treat men like children can be regarded as a bad habit, and the only way to overcome it is to simply stop doing it. This means that when your husband asks you where his keys are, tell him you don't know and have him look for them himself. When he is going somewhere on a special occasion, do not advise him what to wear. If he leaves his things in a pile on the floor, don't pick them up after him.

If your man is used to you doing everything for him, you will have to get used to your new role. This may be difficult at first. You may run into his annoyance as he learns to do for himself what he hasn't done in years. I wouldn't be surprised if this brings temporary chaos into your life. You may be late for a visit because he won't be able to find his keys. He may leave home with a badly tied tie. But when such things are repeated several times, he will learn to put his keys back; he will remember how many times he was told that his tie is badly tied, and learn to check it in front of the mirror himself. In other words, he will grow up and learn to take care of himself.

Of course, this does not mean that the next time your husband asks if you have seen his keys, you should answer: “Look for yourself! I'm not your mom." I hope you will not treat your husbands with less love, care and attention. You just have to be more of a wife or girlfriend and less of a mother.

2. Treat a man as a competent person who can be relied upon. Do not remind him that he must remember himself. Do not replace his memory and calendar. Treat him like a responsible adult. Remember that your man may become lazy if you begin to write down all his affairs; he will subconsciously begin to rely on you. Therefore, when you stop patronizing him, he may start to miss meetings, forget to pay bills, turn off the lights. In this case, do not grumble at him, but simply sympathize and do your own thing.

After enough missed appointments and forgotten cases, your partner will learn to rely more on himself.

If you are drawn to look down on a man, then think about how this will affect your relationship. Instead of arrogance, express regret about his missed meetings or other troubles and a period of "restructuring" of attitudes and behavior.

3. Don't talk to your man in mother tongue. Make a promise to yourself that you will stop talking to your man like a five year old. It means: do not grumble. Of course, you have every right to let your partner know that you are upset or annoyed. But talk to him like a grown man, not like an angry mother with her delinquent young son.

Well, what about "baby language"? I think that sometimes "children's language" is a completely justified form of communication, a way to reveal to each other the most secret thoughts. However, if you and your partner talk "baby language" most of the time, especially in bed, during moments of sexual intimacy, you will have problems. It's time to establish adult relationships.

4. Decide what responsibilities you assign to a man, and don't give up, even if he makes mistakes. I know how difficult this will be for many of you. It means letting things get out of hand, trusting that everything will turn out fine in the end, even if things don't go the way you would like. For example, your husband says that he will reserve a table at a restaurant, but he calls there too late, and all the tables are already taken. He calls you at six o'clock and says that he did not succeed. Tell him, "Well, I'll be ready by eight o'clock, as we planned. I'm sure you'll find a place where we can have dinner. Bye". He will feel stupid for not being able to do everything on time, but he will be grateful that you did not scold him, and all these feelings will remain in his memory until the next time he decides to invite you to dinner. .

A word of caution: you will always be tempted to intervene when you see the situation becoming "catastrophic".

Your vacation is coming up and you know that your husband still hasn't bothered to make hotel reservations. Or your friend has decided to make a pizza and you see that he puts too much sauce.

Resist the temptation to help the man.

Let him make his own mistakes and face their consequences. This the only way teach him to do things differently next time.

5. Make a list: “How I played the role of a mother ...” Sit down and write down what you think your role as a mother manifests itself in. Take care of yourself for a few weeks and add new items to the list as soon as you catch yourself on something. If you're really brave, ask your partner to add items of their choice. You might be surprised how long the list is. If you want to change your behavior, then the first thing you should do is turn your attention to it.

6. Be consistent. It is very important to be consistent and stick to new rules while avoiding old mistakes. Be true to your commitments, no matter what the consequences. For example, you decide not to clean up after your husband in the bathroom, not to fold his dirty linen and towel. A week later, you notice a mountain of his things on the bathroom floor, and there are no more clean towels and linens in the closet on his shelf.

Don't touch that pile of dirty laundry.

Wait until he complains that he doesn't have clean towels or clean linen and remind him that his towels and linen are still on the floor where he left them. It is possible that he will not be delighted with your message, but he will remember it. If you succumb to your desire for cleanliness and order, he will never take your new rules seriously and will not reckon with them.

Remember: breaking the habit of playing the role of a mother with a man is not at all easy, but if you succeed, you will feel like a woman, and your partner will feel like a man.

You probably noticed that the attitude of a spouse towards a child somehow changes as he grows up.

Men react to the appearance of a small miracle in the house a little differently than women.

Of course, they are happy to know the joy of fatherhood, and, as a rule, they like to feel in a new incarnation. And this feeling is often a little scary and surprising, but over time, a lot changes.

Enthusiasm (from birth to 6-8 months)

The emotions of the newly-made daddy go wild: he runs around buying diapers, nipples, bottles. During his mother's "leisure" in the maternity hospital, he can even start a mini-repair in the apartment to surprise and delight his baby. But with the advent of the baby in the house, he realizes that a child is not a quiet and resigned angel . A man endures sleepless nights and lulling stoically, feeling like a hero. He speaks in whispers, walks on tiptoe and answers all phone calls in an instant. He changes diapers, singing, goes to work with red eyes from lack of sleep, but, most of the time, he is happy.

During this period, dad learns that:

the baby, like himself, loves to eat;
the baby has remarkable vocal cords;
picking him up is not at all scary;
bathing a child is pleasant;
the breast of a beloved wife is not a man's property;
Photographing every yawn of a baby is very funny.

Decline in interest (from 8 months to 3 years)

Pretty natural physiological reaction of the male body. Now children's screams and squeaks annoy him , he forgot about the habit of getting up at night to the child and demands that his wife take care of the baby. During the day, he is cheerful and cheerful, but you won’t drag him out for a walk in the park or a trip to the clinic.

Where did his fatherly feelings go? A man by nature is a player, and he is fascinated by any business if it looks like a game. The result and victory are important to him, and if they are not there for a long time (growing up a child is just a protracted process), he loses interest in the lesson. Dad doesn't like routine, repetitive tasks , with the baby until you play in computer games, and for football it is too small. He does not like too soft mothers and grandmothers, and he remembers the Spartans, trying to accustom the baby to wholesome food without frills and goodies. Perhaps he is a little jealous that now he does not get all the attention.

"Moms are more closely connected with the child, and dads are just watching the development of events, - says psychologist Daria Selivanova. - Therefore, it is often more difficult for men to rebuild and accept a new role. In addition, very often men after the birth of a child are deprived of the amount of warmth, care and attention that they previously received from a woman. Now mom completely switches to the baby - and dad feels "superfluous" and basically ignores the child".

During this period, dad is surprised to learn that:

a child needs an eye and an eye;
the kid loves to chew on the TV remote control, phones and important documents;
the little one does not eat dad's favorite food (sausages with mustard) and does not drink coffee;
the baby does not accept classical music, but dances to pop music;
the literary tastes of a father and a child also differ (world classics versus fairy tales about Chicken Ryaba);
in the apartment you need to constantly look under your feet so as not to step on a typewriter or a doll, and not to break your neck.

Quite often you can hear from women that a man loves kids from a previous marriage very much, but he doesn’t treat their children quite as much as he would like. Maybe it's all about the psychology of men? And is there a way out in this situation?

So, how does a man show his love for children from a previous marriage and how for your children who are not his own?

Perhaps this belief is connected with the experience of women who lived with both the father of their children and their stepfather. There is also a widespread belief that children are not very interesting for men until the moment when it will be possible to talk with them about something that the man himself is interested in.

Of course, often men begin to communicate more intensively with children when they enter a transitional age, the leading activity of which is communication with peers and the development of the social world.

In many families, especially in our country, where family patterns seem patriarchal on the surface, the father is more responsible than the mother for mastering the social world, for self-confidence, for social success. At the same time, mothers are more focused on teaching their child to communicate in the context of close emotional relationships, better feel the nuances of communication at an intimate distance.

However, all of the above does not mean at all that the psychology of men in love for children can affect him unpredictably. Everything is quite logical and, unfortunately, your children are not interested in men before they grow up. Modern men, in contrast to their "brothers in the sex" who lived in the last century, are more feminized, if by feminine qualities we mean both the frequency and quality of contacts with children.

The growing number of fathers who are entering the sale of children's cars and fiercely fighting for the right to communicate with their babies, once again confirms this. Whether we like it or not, there is a tendency to move towards gender psychological equality, while weak, but gradually gaining momentum.

Tender, let me remind you, is a social gender. Both men and women, who are such by their physical sex, can demonstrate both masculine - masculine and feminine - feminine qualities in different proportions. We see masculine women and feminine men, which means that their physical gender and social gender may not match, and this is completely normal.

Both in a man and in a woman there are different parts from a psychological point of view. Every woman has an inner man, and a man also has an inner woman. The question is to what extent they are manifested.

So, the psychology of a man now comes into contact with his children much more often and more actively, takes an interest in their life, and participates in their upbringing. Increasingly, they begin to communicate with the baby from the very moment of his birth - when they are present at the birth together with the mother of the child. In the case when a man actively participates in the life of his child, he cannot but be attached to him, cannot but feel feelings of love and sympathy.

In the event that his relationship with the mother of the child deteriorates, he does not transfer it to the child. More often, women begin to turn their son or daughter against their father, entering into a kind of coalition “we are friends against dad” with him.

Men can also do this if they stay with the baby and the mother is kicked out of the family. But mentally healthy people, as a rule, are able to separate their relationship with a spouse and relationship with children.

Therefore, the love of a father who was involved in communication with his child does not disappear when parting with his mother. Only the suffering associated with the fact that the father cannot see the child as often as he would like is added.

It seems to you that the psychology of men in love for children from a past marriage is very complex and you are not able to understand it, and the opinion that a man loves children from his beloved wife actually indicates that if a man has stopped loving a woman, then he will automatically fall out of love with the children who were born in marriage with this woman. It is true only for those men who, even before the divorce, were not attached to children. Those men who, before the divorce, experienced a feeling of love for children are unlikely to lose it.

This belief also suggests that if a man marries a woman who already has children from other relationships, and he loves this woman, then he will love the children too. Of course, this is not true.

There are quite a few men who, being in love with a woman, cannot establish contact with her children from other relationships. Feelings of jealousy may be mixed in, as the child is a constant reminder of the other man. There may be a feeling of anxiety, it may seem to a man that he will not be able to establish contact with the child.

Relationship difficulties can also arise due to competition for the attention of the mother, which is often difficult for a man to overcome, because he simply does not know how to do it.

Thus, one can only argue that love for a woman can help overcome the difficulties of establishing contact with her children from previous relationships.

But one can hardly say that love for a woman is automatically transferred to her children, mainly because a child is born with the participation of two people. Few people like to remember that their love was once close to someone else.

What are you risking, baby and man

What are you risking if you believe that men love children from their beloved wife? Firstly, by what it will seem to you - since he loves me, he will also accept my child. Women often say that, and other women often say that to women. Of course, if he loves you, then he will try. But this does not mean at all that he will succeed immediately.

When you don’t know how to get a man’s love for children, and when this belief reigns in your head, a woman can take a completely wrong passive position, letting everything take its course and not participating in any way in the process of establishing a relationship between her new beloved man and her child or children. It may seem to her that everything should happen by itself.

Another point of risk is that, on the one hand, it's great, but on the other, it can become a hindrance. A woman who loves her child very much is sure that it is beautiful and everyone should love her child and be interested in it. Of course, this attitude must be parted with in that part of it that concerns other people.

For you, your child is the best, smartest, most beautiful. But for all other people, he is just a child, one of many. Just like you don't have a dollar to please everyone, your child also can't please everyone absolutely.

If you begin to think this way, you run the risk of becoming offended by a man who will not behave the way you think he should behave.

A man may not have the experience of communicating with children or not have the experience of communicating with non-native children, he begins to get this experience with you, and he needs your support, and not hidden grievances.

Firstly, in order to establish it, it is necessary to remember that the relationship between a man and your children, if they are not relatives to him, cannot be left to chance and not participate in them at all.

The psychology of men, especially in love for children, is a mystery to many women. Think twice before you do anything. A man may need your support and attention, and if so, he definitely needs help. In the end, he is not to blame for the fact that he appeared in your life after the baby from another man appeared.

Before you start giving him this support, you need to remember that the child appeared in your life earlier, which means that he has priority and he remains in the first place for you.

It is not necessary to leave children to live with grandparents in order to improve their personal lives - this is a mistake that will subsequently respond negatively. You do not need to pretend that the child is not too important to you in order to win male attention and tie a man to yourself.

It is important that a man understands that your child is very important to you, you love him, you need him. In part, he will adopt your style of communication and behavior with your child, imitation is the basic mechanism for adapting to situations in which it is not entirely clear how to behave. So be a good role model!

At the same time, it is important that the man does not feel deprived of your attention, if the child has priority in the order of appearance in your life, this does not mean that this should be constantly emphasized.

In order to avoid competition between a man and your child, it is necessary to clearly understand that in the family as a system there are a number of subsystems, in particular, marital and child-parental. It is important to separate these subsystems and communicate at different levels.

Don't try to turn a stepfather into a parent too quickly, set aside special time for communication with children, both your own and joint ones. And also to allocate specially and consciously time for marital communication, matters that concern only you and your man and have nothing to do with the child-parent subsystem.

At the very beginning, calmly note to yourself whether the man has difficulties in making contact with your child, and if so, what. To understand how you can influence it, you need to understand what exactly you will influence.

It is best to write down what you have observed and then refer to family psychologist with a child and a new husband. You can also talk to your husband, find out how he sees the situation and what he would like to change about it. After you know this, you will be able to understand what you yourself can do to change the situation.

And if your new husband who loves you, without any additional measures, fell in love with your relatives, but children who are not native to him, it remains only to be happy for you and wish you that it was always like this!

Treat a girl like a child, is that right?

wise men they say that in order to be next to a beautiful woman in adulthood, you need to raise her from youth, pamper, teach and sometimes punish - and even if the girl resists, she will not notice how she will become the one that everyone will envy. How true is this statement? And how good is the attitude towards the girl, like a child, really? Caring is important
The care of a man is the most important condition for women's happiness. This statement will be challenged only by hardened feminists, but whether this dispute will be provoked by emotions or logic is a big question. But even if a small number of the fair sex do not agree with this position, for the majority it still remains an axiom.
Caring for a girl consists of such trifles and grains of attention that a man can consider something insignificant. And his girlfriend will feel happy at the same time.
If the attitude towards a loved one as a child is also realized, this gives rise to more possibilities and gives a chance to give her more joy.
Dive into another world
Why not take your beloved to a cartoon, buy her some sweets, let her feel like a princess by riding in a carriage? Modern life mostly consists of work and everyday life, but if a guy treats a girl like a child, then why not pamper her like a little one in order to transfer her to a beautiful, different from everyday world, at least for a short time?
Go for a walk in the nearest green area, where it is not forbidden to pick flowers and weave a wreath - what could be easier? Do not be afraid of your attitude - in fact, girls very subtly feel sincere care and are ready to pay a hundredfold for it.
Pathology or instinct?
Some young people are afraid of such an attitude, seeing it as a pathology. In fact, this is how true feelings manifest themselves, an instinctive desire to protect your companion and make her happy. As a rule, the connection between a man and a woman is built exactly according to the scheme “adult defender - little girl”. This form of relationship is considered one of the most healthy and viable, since each in a couple realizes their own potential and a suitable role.

In any case, all relationships are individual. If a guy treats a girl like a child, and that suits her, then why not? This is an excellent foundation for deep and lasting relationships, which can be the key to true happiness. It is enough just to abandon the stereotypes and show your true feelings.